A loss

This past weekend Jason and I suffered the loss of our first pregnancy. I debated about whether or not to share this news here, but after thinking about it, I realized that I want this blog to be a real and accurate reflection of our lives-- not just a summary of the fun trips we take, entertaining movies we see, or delicious new recipes I try. And since the miscarriage is what's on my mind right now, I decided it's what I should write about.

The pregnancy was a huge surprise to us in the first place. While we both want children at some point (and probably sooner rather than later), we weren't officially "trying," and weren't planning to until we had a better idea of our future after business school. But in early October, I started feeling a little off-- tired, run down, and just not myself. A pregnancy seemed far fetched, but as the days passed I began to wonder if it might be a real possibility. On October 13th I took a test, and the positive sign popped up immediately-- even before the control line appeared. Even though I had suspected (and shared my suspicions with J), it was still shocking to see it confirmed so quickly. The first 24 hours was a mix of Oh-My-Gosh-How-Did-This-Happen-Am-I-Ready-For-This anxiety and Oh-My-Gosh-This-Is-Amazing-I-Am-So-Excited elation.

Quickly, we adapted to the idea of welcoming our new addition in late June and began sharing the thrilling news with our immediate family members and a few close friends. As the days wore on, we became more and more excited... reading our pregnancy books, talking about the baby as it grew from the size of a poppy seed to the size of an orange seed, and imagining our lives as a family of three. The pregnancy was smooth sailing for me-- aside from some serious fatigue and the occasional headache, I felt great.

But then last Friday, at exactly 6 weeks, I noticed some very light spotting. I honestly wasn't too concerned about it because I had read that it can happen during the first trimester and not signal any major problems. But, just to be safe, I called the doctor. They suggested I come in for an ultrasound just to confirm everything was OK. As I waited for my appointment, I began to get a little nervous, but tried to reassure myself that everything would be fine. Unfortunately, the ultrasound tech was particularly quiet during the procedure, and I could tell it wasn't good news. A little while later, the doctor took me into an exam room and informed me that what they saw on the ultrasound was not consistent with a baby that should be developed to 6 weeks of gestation, and, most likely, I was experiencing the beginning of a miscarriage. Sure enough, the miscarriage began in earnest later that night.

Jason and I were both shocked and devastated by the news, and Friday was a tough day. Since then, the immediate shock has worn off and I have daily ups and downs-- sometimes feeling OK and accepting it, and other times just feeling a dull sadness or depression about it. I know grief is a process, and it will probably continue like this for a while. After lots of reading, I've learned that almost 9 out of 10 women go on to have a healthy pregnancy after a miscarriage, so I am cautiously optimistic that we'll have better luck next time. I do feel some anxiety about trying a again because I know that as difficult as one miscarriage was, a second one would be exponentially more painful. But, for now, I am trying not to worry about this and to just stay positive and take it one day at a time. When the time is right, we will try again, and I know that in the long run, no matter what happens, everything will be fine.