How It's Been

With the exception of Nicholas' monthly updates-- which are essentially his baby book (and thus the guilt meter starts to creep up if I delay them too long)-- it's been nothing but radio silence over here for a few months. I've been meaning to write a real update for weeks now, but, well... time is a precious commodity these days. So... an update. Here goes. This working mom thing? Um, it's hard. I realize this is not exactly earth shattering news. I also did not go into this new role thinking, "this is going to be a piece of cake." And, this is not to say that staying home with a baby was easy. I enjoyed it, but many days it was also very challenging. Nonetheless, working full time has definitely been more difficult than I expected, and challenging in different ways than I expected.

Let's start with the positives-- the job itself is going really well. I (mostly) enjoy what I'm doing. I have a great rapport with my boss. And I really like the company and the people who work there. I am grateful for all of this because it has definitely made the transition back to work and being away from Nicholas easier. Nicholas also seems to be adapting well to daycare, and we really like his school and his teachers.

On the other hand, I have really struggled with having very little quality time with my son each day. We spend about 45 minutes with him each morning before we head out the door, but most of that time is spent getting him ready and then running around trying to get ourselves ready and get his bag packed for school. Once we pick him up in the evening, we have about an hour and a half before we put him to bed. (It's lights out around 7pm each night.) The majority of this time time is spent feeding him dinner, bathing him, and doing his bedtime routine. We will usually get about 15-20 minutes of play time. Unfortunately, this is often his (and my) most fussy, tired time of day, so it's not always the best "quality time." We do have the weekends, but I need to use a lot of that time to grocery shop/run errands/catch up on laundry/do everything that it takes to run our household-- and, if I'm lucky, maybe find a few minutes to myself to relax. 

I do think I'm slowly adapting to our new routine-- while I was completely and utterly exhausted to the point of tears most nights for the first month or two, I'm gradually building up my tolerance. Maybe it's like starting a new work out routine? (I wouldn't know since I've set foot in a gym exactly once in the past 3 months. That's another topic...) This post isn't meant to be all "poor me... my life is so hard." It's not. We are incredibly blessed, and I am grateful for each day I have, regardless of how tired I am at the end of each day, and for each few minutes of time I can spend with Nicholas, even if we're both worn out and cranky. And the good news is that juggling work and family and home does seem to get easier with time. I'm learning to lower my standards where necessary, to really start prioritizing how I spend my time, and that "balance" may always be elusive for me-- so I shouldn't beat myself up on the days when it seems particularly unattainable. I'm trying to just deal with each day as it comes, give it my best shot, and grant myself grace whenever I feel like I'm falling short.

So, that's it. That's life for me right now. We've had a lot of change and transition in the past few months and I am looking forward to relaxing into our new routine a bit more in 2013. I'll let you know how it goes...

A Day in the Life: 8 Months

I decided to document a day in our life so I could remember how we spent our days during this stage in our lives. I can barely remember what I did with Nicholas on a daily basis when he was a newborn, so I'm sure this phase will become a blur at some point in the near future. This particular day (Thursday, September 27th) was a little bit busier than our average day in terms of social plans and activities, but it still gives a good flavor of what we did on a daily basis while I've been staying home with Nicholas.

1:30am: Due to poor time management the prior evening (a not uncommon occurrence), followed by anxiety about going back to work and starting Nicholas in daycare, I have probably been asleep for just 20 minutes when Nicholas starts wailing. I lie there for a few minutes. Nope, doesn't sound like he's going to stop and go back to sleep. I blearily get up, nurse him, change him, and give him some infant Advil. I'm pretty sure he's teething again.

1:48am: I climb back in bed and gratefully fall into a deep sleep. Until....

5:45am: Nicholas starts crying again. Jason rouses me, but I roll over and try to ignore the baby monitor. He quiets down after a few minutes.

6:10am: And he's crying again. I get up to nurse him and change him again.

6:30am: I put Nicholas back in his crib and tell him it's still night time. Too. Early. To. Get. Up. (The light from the kitchen and the sounds of Jason making coffee don't help my case, but I'm hoping he'll buy it.) I crawl back in my bed hoping to get a little more sleep.

7:00am: Nope, he's not buying it. He's been fussing off and on for the past 15 minutes, so I stumble out of bed again, go get him, and bring him back into our bed. Usually, this results in him crawling all over the bed and repeatedly punching me in the face or trying to poke my eyes out, but he is strangely calm and content to just lie next to me in the bed. He listens as Jason shaves and gets ready for work.

7:30am: Jason leaves for work and the house is quiet. Stroke of luck! Nicholas is dozing off in our bed. This probably hasn't happened since he was 5 months old. I seize the moment and try to doze off myself-- while remaining completely still and crouched on the edge of the bed so as not to disturb the little prince lounging in the middle of bed.

8:15am: I am asleep, but as I shift to finally get comfortable, I wake Nicholas. Oh well. All good things must come to an end. When he opens his eyes and realizes he's sleeping in the big bed next to Mommy, his expression is priceless. We play in the bed for a few minutes.

8:20am: Time to face the world. I pour myself a much needed cup of coffee and grab a yogurt. OK, first I have a piece of the brownies I baked yesterday. Then I grab my nonfat yogurt. Nicholas is crawling around the kitchen floor. I try to ignore the fact that it is absolutely filthy and brush away the bigger, choking hazard crumbs with my feet. Full disclosure here, people.

8:30am: I put Nicholas in his Sassy Seat where he bounces happily while I drink my coffee and browse Facebook and a few blogs. I try to limit my time on the computer while he's awake, but need a few minutes to warm up to the world before I can really get into my day. (As you may have already grasped, mornings aren't really my thing.)

9:00am: Time for Nicholas' breakfast! I make him some baby oatmeal cereal, get him strapped into his chair, and feed him while sipping my second cup of coffee. After he finishes his cereal, I share a few bites of my yogurt with him. It's organic and nonfat, but still has added sugar, so it's a rare treat for him. He laps up several big bites.

9:17am: I sign "all done!" and we do "washa washa"-- a silly song I made up to sing when we wash his face and hands after meals. (It bears a very strong resemblance to "brusha brusha," which we sing when I "brush" or wipe clean his teeth before he goes to bed.)

9:20am: Play time! We play on the floor of his room with his Baby Einstein treasure chest. I sneak in a few chores around his room, including emptying his Diaper Genie (ew) and folding some of his laundry. We discover he likes playing inside the laundry basket-- until he starts to pull up on it and it tips almost all the way over. And our time playing in the laundry basket ends as quickly as it started.

9:55am: Nicholas starts to get fussy, so I begin our wind down for his morning nap. I turn off the lights and we read his Dinosaur board book. Then we go to the window and say bye-bye to the tree, the leaves, the grass, the red truck, and the windowsill latch (his favorite item), and finally pull the curtains closed. I nurse him, rock him, and put him in his crib.

10:16am: And he's down. I get on the computer for a few minutes and begin writing this blog post.

10:35am: He's been moaning a little bit and talking to himself. Now he's actually asleep.

10:47am: I'm done with the computer. I briefly contemplate getting back in bed for a nap (which I should probably be embarrassed to admit I do once a week or so during his morning nap), but the coffee has kicked in and the fact that I'm documenting my day suddenly makes me want to be extra productive. I make the bed; throw in a load of laundry; sweep the kitchen, laundry room, dining room, and living room; and wet Swiffer the kitchen. I find a dead (small) roach while sweeping under the stove and am happy Nicholas' little fingers can't reach that far. We don't see them often, but we live in Texas in house built in the 1920s. Roaches are bound to appear once in a while.

11:18am: I hop into the shower. We're meeting my friend Shannon for lunch at noon, so I need to be quick. I don't have time to wash my hair, so I go for a quick rinse and then break out the dry shampoo. I figure as a soon-to-be working mom, I better get used to streamlining my beauty routine (even more than it already is.) Also, I figure maybe the fact that I haven't invested in a full wash and blow dry will serve as an incentive to squeeze in a workout later in the afternoon.

11:35am: Shoot. I am running behind schedule. I used to be a very punctual person. Then I had a baby. Now I am 10 minutes late wherever I go. I text Shannon to let her know. I run around trying to get the diaper bag ready and realize we have no clean bottles, so I quickly wash out a few, fill one with water, and throw a to-go formula pouch into the diaper bag.

11:45am: I have to wake Nicholas up from his nap. I hate doing this, but fortunately he wakes up easily. I change him, dress him, and strap him into the carseat. But not before we take a quick photo on the way out the door. I am wearing my snazzy new mustard yellow skinny cords. I know you want to see my yellow cords.

I so have a dazzling career in fashion blogging ahead of me, right? Right?

12:08pm: We arrive at Whole Foods. Shannon has scored us a table, so I drop off Nicholas and go forage lunch for myself. I wind up with spicy tuna rolls with brown rice and a side of steamed veggies on top of Asian style noodles. I eat and then feed Nicholas his bottle. We catch up about her recent trip to Seattle, the new house, and my new job.

1:06pm: Behind schedule again. Lunch was too short, and now we're late to Gymboree. Fortunately traffic is light and we make good time up MoPac.

1:20pm: We arrive at Gymboree only 5 minutes late, just as parent sharing time is starting. This week's topic: solid foods. Nicholas plays happily with some bells and other noise makers while I chat with another mom.

After class, we exchange contact info. She lives near our new neighborhood and we make plans to get together once we move in. I may have just made a new mom friend.

2:18pm: We head home. Nicholas is past due for his afternoon nap, so I sing about 7 verses of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" on the way home while craning my arm back into his carseat to keep him awake until we reach our house.

2:30pm: Success. We arrive and he's still awake. We head in and just a few minutes later Daddy surprises us by arriving to work from home for the afternoon. He helps to change Nicholas and we catch up for a few minutes.

2:49pm: Now Nicholas is way overdue for a nap. We skip story time and instead just say bye bye to the outside. Then I close the blinds, nurse him, rock him, and put him down in his crib.

3:03pm: He is out like a light.

3:10pm: Last night's middle of the night feeding combined with the cold I've been fighting all week prove to be too powerful a combination and I give in to the siren call of a nap.

3:45pm: Aaaaaand we're up again. How I dream of waking up from a full night's sleep or a nap of my own accord, and not due to fussing or wailing sounds from the baby monitor.

3:48pm: I go get Nicholas and take him out to bounce in his Sassy Seat. I grab a quick snack, move the wet laundry into the dryer, and open up my computer to answer a few emails and complete an online request for a moving quote.

4:25pm: Jason is taking a break from work. I show him some videos I've found of Nicholas when he was just days old. Nicholas watches with us with a very concerned and perplexed look on his face when he hears  his newborn self crying and hears my voice say his name on the video.

4:40pm: Nicholas and I head out for a walk around the neighborhood. It's close to 90 and humid, but even this is a marked improvement from just a few weeks ago when an afternoon walk would have been an impossibility. We stop at the park for 10 minutes to play on the swings-- his new favorite activity-- and then we continue on our way.

All that hard work just wipes him out!

5:45pm: We arrive home. It's dinnertime for Mr. Nicholas. Tonight's menu includes half a jar of vegetable pasta puree, followed by a full jar of banana strawberry puree. His appetite is growing by the day.

6:00pm: I hop in the shower again while Daddy finishes feeding Nicholas.

6:20pm: Bath time! I fill up the tub and set out all the supplies, and then Jason bathes Nicholas while I go finish drying my hair. We are meeting friends for dinner, so I put back on the snazzy yellow cords (otherwise I would just rinse off, leave my hair wet, and throw on some sweats.)

6:35pm: Nicholas is all fresh and sweet smelling in clean PJs. The idea is that we'll get him all ready for bed, and then hopefully he'll eventually fall asleep at the restaurant in his carseat carrier. I nurse him. Unfortunately his tummy is too full from all the banana strawberry puree and he throws up all over himself (and me.) I wipe myself off, but he requires an outfit change.

6:50pm: Finally, we're out the door!

7:00pm: We arrive at Drink.well, Austin's latest hipster gastropub. I'm not clear on whether it's technically a bar or a restaurant, but we bring Nicholas in and no one seems to mind. Fortunately, we find a quiet table in the corner.

7:08pm: Pete and Jarren arrive. We haven't seen them in months, so it's fun to catch up over an adult beverage and some tasty food. Both Jarren and I go with the ZLT (zuchini lettuce tomato, with homemade chips), the guys opt for the Kobe burger, and both couples get the homemade apple pie Twinkie. Our entrees are tasty, but we all agree the Twinkie is a disappointment. It's more like a Twinkie shaped apple muffin and there's not even any filling inside. Lame. But, Nicholas is on good behavior. We feed him a bottle, and eventually he  falls asleep as hoped. We order another round.

9:15pm: The evening comes to a close and we say our goodbyes and then head home. We change Nicholas, give him some preemptive baby Advil, and I nurse him again and then put him in his crib and say goodnight. He's asleep before I shut his door.

9:49pm: I sit down with my laptop to type out this post while Jason fires up his video games.

10:36pm: It turns out that documenting my day results in the longest post ever. Kudos if you've made it this far. I'm impressed. I finally wrap up this post and then surf Facebook and some other blogs for 10 minutes while I pump.

10:50pm: I head into the bathroom to get ready for bed. I always tell myself I'm going to go to bed by 10pm, but it never happens.

11:06pm: Lights out. It's been a fun, full day, and I am wiped out. Good night!

You Know You're a Mom When... (Birthday Edition)

This past weekend, I turned another year older. I had a few fun plans with friends, and my two boys did a great job making my day special, but I was struck by how (much like everything else) birthdays are a little different once you have a baby. You know you are a mom when . . .

 . . . You begin your birthday (which happens to fall on a Sunday) not with a lazy morning of sleeping in, a leisurely brunch, or even a hot cup of coffee and a piece of toast. Nope. You begin your birthday with an 8:30am trip to the grocery store. But you're actually excited about it because it's a solo (!) trip and it's been so long that you've been to the grocery store alone that it might as well just be an hour long hot stone massage. It's that indulgent. It's also thrilling to get such a necessary chore knocked out early in the morning before the crowds hit. Birthday perks galore.

. . . Your birthday wish list is a little different this year. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't turn down jewelry, flowers, designer shoes, or a fancy meal out. But what I really, really want? A nap. Maybe an hour alone to flip through the pages of a magazine . . . or just stare out the window. A good glass of wine. And, oh yes, another nap. I'm easy to please these days.

. . . Your little man is teething and decides that, nope, he is simply not going to nap whatsoever on your birthday and you realize that even cranky, tired snuggles from your seven month old are a pretty good gift.

(And the antics of a cranky, non-napping seven month old are made infinitely more tolerable when your husband bakes you chocolate layer cake with chocolate butter cream frosting from scratch for your birthday dessert. Amazing and delicious.)

On Breastfeeding

I have something to admit and it's pretty terrible. It's shameful and obnoxious, but it's the truth. So here it is:

I used to judge women who didn't breastfeed their babies.

This was, of course, before I actually became a mother myself. I realize there are dozens of reasons to feed a baby formula, medical or otherwise, and I didn't indiscriminately judge formula feeders across the board. I recognized that there are many very valid reasons to forgo breastfeeding in favor of formula, so it was just the women who chose formula, but who could otherwise breastfed, that I judged. I thought, so it's a little painful? Eh, toughen up. Or, it's inconvenient? Really? You're going to put your own needs ahead of what the medical community says is best for your baby? Maybe it's time to re-prioritize.

This was, as I mentioned, before I ever tried breastfeeding for myself.

I had always assumed that naturally I would breastfeed my children. Would I go the full 12 months recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics? Maybe, maybe not. But I would definitely give it a good go. Nine, ten months at least. And it would come totally naturally to me and I would love doing it. Obviously.

And then Nicholas was born. The first few days weren't so bad. He had a good latch and we both seemed to be catching on pretty well. But several days in, things changed. I discovered that breastfeeding, for me at least, felt like 12,000 burning knives stabbing my nipples. Breastfeeding, as it turned out, was more difficult and painful for me than pregnancy, labor, and delivery combined -- times ten. And, suddenly, I was battling the urge to throw in the towel and pop open that free sample of formula buried in the back of his closet on an hourly basis.

I made deals with myself daily-- just get through today. Just make it to the end of the week. And, the golden beacon in the distance, when the pain would be gone: just make it to two months. On the one had, two months seemed pretty reasonable. A drop in the bucket of my lifetime. But, the reality is that babies eat 10-12 times per day, and there was just barely enough time in between feedings for the burning, throbbing sensation in my nipples to fade. I cried. I cried often. I cried from the pain, I cried in frustration, and I cried out of dread for the next feeding looming on my schedule.

But, as the books promised, the pain did begin to fade gradually. It went from excruciating, to really painful, to pretty uncomfortable over time. And around five weeks, I noticed that while the 12,000 burning knives sensation was gone, my son would feed for hours at a time-- and scream inconsolably whenever I tried to get up off the couch and do something, anything, else. After one marathon three hour feeding session, I finally decided to go see a lactation consultant.

She was so helpful, and I'm very glad I went. She examined Nicholas, weighed him with and without a diaper, watched closely as I fed him from both sides, and then weighed him again. Her conclusion was that I simply wasn't producing enough milk. Not by a long shot. He was underweight and it was only my stubbornness diligence about breastfeeding him on demand, for hours a day, that had kept him from becoming seriously underweight. She put me on a milk-making regime, but it was time to begin supplementing with formula. And I was more than fine with that.

Months have passed and Nicholas is now a healthy, chubby-cheeked, squishy baby. He's got delicious little rolls on his thighs, and a crease all the way around both wrists where his baby fat meets his plump little hands. I am still breastfeeding him about 90% of the time, but he gets a few bottles of formula a week. The pain is long gone, and I do appreciate the fact that I can feed him without a lot of fanfare around washing and sterilizing bottles or the expense of buying can after can of formula. But I still think about weaning him. He will be six months in just over a week-- a fact which astonishes me-- and sometimes I feel like I've put in enough of the good fight. I still struggle to produce enough milk, so I'm constantly monitoring my protein and fluid intake while supplementing with a witch's brew of herbs. On days when I'm just not making enough milk, he gets fussy and we both get frustrated. He's an active little guy, and most of our feeding sessions these days entail him pummeling me with his fists and feet while he eats. He's also still waking up several times a night and usually the only thing that can lull him back to sleep is my breast. Then there are those occasions when we're out in public and it would just be so nice to pull out a pre-prepared bottle rather than wrangle his kicking and writhing body under a nursing cover. And sometimes I just wish my body was my own again. Breastfeeding my son has turned out to be far more challenging than I ever expected.

But then there are moments like this evening, during a mid-summer thunder storm, when I nursed my son to sleep in a quiet, dim room while the rain cascaded off the eaves outside his window. His body heavy and warm in my arms. His breathing quiet and peaceful as he drifted off. That rosebud mouth and those soft little arms nuzzled up against me. These are the moments I want to remember. When I realize I'm in no rush to shed the vestiges of his babyhood. When I think, I could do this a little longer. And so I will. With proper appreciation for what my body requires to sustain a growing baby, with gratefulness to science and industry for creating a nutritious alternative or supplement to a mother's milk, and with respect for all women and their choices in how to nourish their babies.

Happy 4th!

We celebrated a spontaneous, low key 4th of July today. Our original plan was to go swimming at Krause Springs in Spicewood, but we arrived around 11:30am to find that it was absolutely packed and that the only place to sit were some bare rocks in the sun. Not exactly baby friendly. So we packed up our bags and moved our picnic northwest to Marble Falls. We found a nice park along the river and camped out in the shade. Nicholas loved stretching out in the grass and watching the big kids jump off the rope swing into the water.

Later, we took a scenic drive through Horseshoe Bay. We had wanted to stop at Flat Creek Estate winery on our way home, but found out that it was closing early. Instead, we headed south to Stonewall and made a stop at our favorite winery in the area, Pedernales Cellars. We hadn't visited in about a year and a half, so it was fun to check in and enjoy a cold glass of Viognier on their deck, under the trees. They had a band playing, and Nicholas loved the live music.

Back home, we fed Nicholas bananas for the first time. Survey says... thumbs up! After we put him to bed, we fired up the grilled and enjoyed a holiday dinner of barbecued flank steak, sauteed summer vegetables, and smashed potatoes. We're hitting the sack before the fireworks go off (a sign of the times), but we enjoyed our little mid-week hill country excursion and Nicholas' first 4th of July. Hope you had a good one too!

Our New Normal

A lot of things have changed since Mr. Nicholas arrived on the scene, but none more so than the luxuries I used to take for granted...

Sleep: Whenever, wherever. I'll take it. Granted, it's gotten a little bit better in the past couple weeks, but there are still plenty of rough nights, and plenty of days where I would I do just about anything for a nap. This formerly super light sleeper can now pass out anywhere.

Date Night: One Friday night, a few weeks after we come home from the hospital, Jason and I were both dying to get out of the house. Our usual Friday night out at a restaurant just wasn't going to happen, so we ate dinner at home, but then optimistically strapped Nicholas into the car and thought we would head out for dessert. The first place we arrived at had a 45 minute wait. Nope, not going to happen. Strike one. The second place (a food trailer nonetheless) had no parking. Lugging the car seat carrier four blocks? No thanks. Strike two. At our wits' end, but unwilling to give up our quest for a few minutes of enjoyment outside of the house, we did the only thing we could think of. We went to Whole Foods and strolled through the store for 10 minutes, picked out some chocolate, and ate it in the food court. Date night indeed.

Weekends: Weekdays and weekends all kind of blur together. We're more apt to try to go out and do something fun on a Thursday night because there are fewer crowds and it's easier to bring along a baby, and we may spend a Friday or Saturday night cleaning the house or doing errands. Case in point: the Saturday after our wild date night to Whole Foods, we spent the evening doing our taxes. And we were both excited about it. These days, I will seize any opportunity to get something crossed off my to-do list. Even if it means spending Saturday night organizing W-2s.

Me Time: Perusing our online bank statement and updating our budget with one hand while I pump? Sure, I'll take it.

But I can live without these little luxuries for now. This guy makes it all worthwhile.